Not Far Off

This post is to share a few more reflections in conjunction with my last post, that way my tone does not come off as a coldhearted person thinking a situation is hopeless. Though I think these ideologies and ways of life are overwhelmingly present in our culture, and parasitic to authentic ways of life, I do not think they are far off. Perhaps underneath all of the insecurities and anger and hurt, lies a common thread. A restlessness. Questions that holler out from a place of anxiety. Anxiety stemming from desires and needs seeming to large for the bodies and world they are placed inside of.

I cannot totally understand a person who wants to change their gender. However, I can totally relate to experiencing a desire for something more, something else than what life is offering me right now. A want for change, and thinking that a more fulfilling life lies in the promise of that change. I get that. Life is complicated and complex. I doubt a person wakes up one morning and decides to change genders. Just like a person doesn’t wake up one morning and suddenly decide it will be a good idea to get divorced. Just like a person doesn’t wake up one morning and decide to like people of the same sex. Just like a person doesn’t wake up one morning and decide to experiment with drugs. It is a crime to make any journey and decisions of human beings so black and white. How could we so easily disregard the complexities of life? Why would we want to do that? There are reasons, many reasons for these choices, experiences, feelings, and decisions. Something to get into another time. But behind all of these is a desire for a better life. A life filled with a freedom and joy. A more enjoyable existence. I feel insecure and out of place in my own gender because of x, y, and z so perhaps I will feel like myself (and know my identity) if I change genders. I feel entrapped and depressed in my marriage of 30 years, how else do I escape the predictability and monotony of this lifestyle besides getting divorced? I cannot relate to or understand a person of the opposite sex on a deeper/emotional level and all of my relationships end in hurt and me being taken advantage of, why wouldn’t I try dating those of the same sex? I found people that want to hangout and do stuff together but only in the context of getting high, so why wouldn’t I try drugs with people when I finally found community?

There are reasons. Many reasons. But the constant variable exists in each person and each situation, because it is universal. A desire for a better life. A life where I am secured in my identity. A life where I feel free and filled, not entrapped and empty. A life where I am surrounded by those that care about who I am and what I am going through. We desire richness, not the scarcity our culture offers. We are not far off. Our desires are good. Perhaps they are perverted. Perhaps they get misconstrued. Perhaps we miss the mark a lot of times. But the underlying urge is undeniable. We want something more.

I’ll let Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper illustrate this…

Shallow

Tell me somethin’, girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin’ else you’re searchin’ for?
I’m falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longin’ for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
Tell me something, boy
Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?
I’m falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We’re far from the shallow now
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoah!
I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We’re far from the shallow now

 

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